Letting Go
by SnerkyOne
Summary: Marshall realizes something that will change his life. Not a happy story. :


**Letting Go...**

For the first time in his life, Marshall Mann wished for silence.

They were just finishing up paperwork on the families they'd checked on that day, and his partner had been yammering about her boyfriend – scratch that, _fiancé_ – for the last 20 minutes, and he was just about ready to kill someone – most likely himself – if she didn't stop soon. Didn't she realize what she was doing to him?

"You know me," she rambled on, seemingly oblivious of the pain she was causing him. "I never wanted to get married. But Raph... Well, he's such a nice guy, and he loves me, is ready to commit to me... I'll never do better than him, so I figured what the hell!"

He wondered how she could not see that _he_ was right in front of her too, just as ready to love her and commit to her. Then again, maybe she did see; maybe she just didn't care...

"Do you love him?" he asked, the words slipping out despite his best intentions.

Had he actually planned this, he might have expected a number of responses to his question: surprise, anger, even sarcasm. What he would have never expected, however, was for his partner to flinch as if he'd struck her.

Though she'd quickly recovered, he'd still seen it. A quick flash of pain, gone before he could make sense of it, but still there nonetheless.

"Do you love him?" he asked again, cocking his head at her, paying close attention this time.

"Marshall--"

There it was again, that quick flash of pain, along with something else, come and gone so fast he couldn't quite get a handle on whatever it was. "Do. You. Love. Him," he asked a third time, refusing to let her off the hook. Whatever she was keeping from him, he'd figure it out. He always did...

"Don't do this," she begged, control slipping again. Had he been less distracted by his own pain, he might have realized what his partner was so desperately trying to hide from him, might have just let it go... But he didn't. Couldn't. "I'll just keep asking," he warned her, his tone leaving no doubt that he would do just that. "Do you--"

"No, I don't, all right!" she snapped. "I don't love him. I don't... _anything_ ... him!" she added, glaring at him. "Are you happy now?"

"No," he replied honestly. "I don't think I'll be happy anytime soon, but that's besides the point right now," he added, studying her. She was still hiding something. "How can you marry him if you don't love him?"

"Because it's easier. When it's over, I can just... walk away. I won't get hurt this way."

"You should be with someone you love," he argued, frowning.

"I can't be with the one person I love, Marshall. I just... can't."

"Why in the world not?" he asked, choosing to ignore the fact that she'd essentially admitted she was in love with someone else; his battered heart could only deal with some much at one time...

"Because I can live without Raph," she sighed. "I can walk away from him. Whether he's there - or not there - really won't make any difference in my life." She paused, struggling to find the right words. "I can live without him; I can live without every other guy I might hook up with; what I cannot do, however, is live without _you_."

"We're not talking about me, Mare," he countered tiredly. "I'm your partner; I'm not going anywhere."

"It is about you, Marshall," she told him. "It's _all_ about you."

"I don't understand..."

"I love _you_," she said, sounding utterly defeated. "That's why I can never be with you. I can't lose you... I need you too much, and--"

"Wait... What did you say?!"

"It doesn't matter--"

"Like hell, it doesn't!" he exploded. "First you tell me you're marrying that himbo, then you tell me you love me but you can't be with me... And you don't think that matters?" he continued, getting progressively more agitated.

"I'm sorry--"

"Don't," he said through clenched teeth. "Don't apologize. Just... explain."

"There's nothing to explain."

"Damn it, Mare! You _say_ you love me – and you damn well know I love you – so what's the problem?"

"I just... I can't..." She trailed off, sighing in frustration. "What do you want from me, Marshall?"

"What I've always wanted," he replied tiredly. "You."

"You already have me."

"Not _all_ of you," he pointed out.

"Is that what this is about? Sex? You're pissed because I'm screwing Raph instead of you?"

"I don't give a damn who you're _screwing_," he informed her coldly. "But, just out of curiosity, exactly how did you think this was going to work? You figure I'd cruise the bars, pick up a random woman to fuck every so often, and that would be good enough? Or," he continued, resolutely ignoring the look of pain and confusion on his partner's face, "am I supposed to marry someone I don't love, just so I can have easy access to sex whenever the mood strikes?"

"Damn it, Marshall" she exclaimed, "you're twisting this all around! That's not... It's not what I want, and you know it!"

"Why not? Isn't that what you've been doing?" he asked pointedly. "Isn't that what you're _still_ doing?"

"That's different," she replied, shaking her head in frustration. "You don't do casual sex. You don't lie to the people who love you. That's just... That's not you."

"No, it's not," he agreed. "So what was the plan, then? Were you going to offer to have sex with me, just so I wouldn't do something out-of-character?" he asked, voice dripping with sarcasm. "How would that have worked? Would we have had a regular schedule, or would it have been more of a spur-of-the-moment, show-up-at-my-door, keep-me-guessing sort of affair, just to make sure I stuck around?"

"Don't--"

"Don't what? Ask questions? Point out how crazy fucked-up this whole situation is? What, Mare? What do you want?!"

"I... I want things to stay the same... Why can't we just keep going the way we have been? Why does anything have to change?" she asked miserably, blinking away tears.

"You're getting married, Mare," he pointed out. "Did you seriously expect things not to change?"

"I really didn't think that far," she admitted, "but we can work this out. We just have to--"

"What is there to work out?" he interrupted. "You're going to marry a man you don't give a damn about, but you're not willing to take a chance with someone you _claim_ to love."

"What's with the 'claim to love' bit," she asked, perplexed.

"How do I know you're not just saying that to keep me around?" he asked coldly, not caring if he hurt her at this point. "I'm sure Raph thinks you love him, and we both know you don't, so why should I believe this is any different?"

"I've never told him I loved him, for one thing," she countered. "I _never_ led him on."

"I'm pretty sure he'd disagree," he snorted in response, "given the whole 'I do' thing."

"I can't control what Raph believes," she countered, stubbornly refusing to accept any of the blame. "Besides, what does it matter? If thinking I love him makes him happy, what's the harm?"

He stared at her, stunned. Surely this could not be _his_ Mary... This could not be the U.S. Marshal he'd been working side-by-side with for the last three-plus years; the best friend he'd spent countless hours hanging out with; the woman he'd fallen in love with... His Mary wouldn't ruthlessly manipulate someone who loved her... Would she?

"Come on, Marshall, work with me," she continued, oblivious to his inner turmoil. "Tell me what you need."

"I need..." He fell silent, frowning. What _did_ he need?

"Marshall?" she asked hesitantly, reaching out for him but stopping herself before actually making contact.

"What I need you can't give me," he sighed. "It's so easy for you, Mare... But for me..." He fell silent again, trying to find the right words. "I need all of you, not just whatever little bit you're comfortably giving away at any given time."

"I don't--"

"I see now that that's never going to happen," he continued, ignoring her attempt to explain "That _we_ are never going to happen. We were never going to happen, even if Raph hadn't come along. You would have found someone else; _something_ else." He paused, running his hand through his hair. "Loving someone – really loving someone – requires a leap of faith. You have to be able to jump in, even knowing you _will_ get hurt at some point down the line. And you... You're... You're just not capable of that..."

"Marshall--"

"I'm sorry... I really don't want to hurt you, but... I can't do this... Not anymore..."

"What are you saying?"

"You know what I'm saying," he said gently.

"You said you weren't going anywhere," she reminded him, desperately trying to delay the inevitable. "You have to stay," she continued, voice breaking. "You said you weren't going anywhere, and you're... You're _Marshall_... You _always_ keep your promises..."

"If you really care about me, you'll let me go."

"I can't," she replied, shaking her head. "Ask me anything, but not that..."

"I'm not asking, Mare," he told her firmly, fighting the urge to go along with whatever she wanted, regardless of the cost to himself. He very badly wanted to believe her, wanted to believe that it would all work out, but he knew better. He'd spent the last three years deluding himself; it was time to face reality... "I really do hope you find happiness," he said softly, reaching out to stroke her cheek, "but it won't be with me. I see that now." He fell silent again, bracing himself for what he needed to say next. "Goodbye, Mary..."


End file.
